i Can handle being called a bitch by my AH but when he starts telling our 18 year old daughter she’s a bitch just like her mom, when he’s drunk, I’m just not a fan of it. Also, he told her, I don’t care what your mom thinks, were getting divorced anyhow. Mind you, he was completely drunk. No excuse in my book.
What can you do about it? I would not accept that and set a boundary.
What i believe in is that mental illnes or any condition is not an excuse for bad behavior.
You also teach people how to treat you
I have told him I do not like it or agree with it. The divorce thing I don’t know what to do about it. As far as he knows right now, I know nothing. But he probably doesn’t even remember saying it.
Yea. I remember being on this situation…being verbally abused and being asked why I suddenly left
And seeing a dumbfounded response fromthe addict
I myself have dealt with verbal abuse from many partners throughout my life including my own parent(s). The truth is, by choosing to stay with those who take us for granted, all we can do is show them how to treat us. Set hard boundaries and if they cross those boundaries…well, honestly you must put your mental health and that of your daughters before your compulsive impulse to stay with the addict in question. As a codependent myself, I know this is hard to hear. Essentially, the addict has no choice but to respect you and your boundaries and if they don’t, well. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, in my experience. I hope this helps.
Earlier this week I got in a pretty dramatic fight with my husband. It wasn’t verbal abuse in the same way as you mention name calling. BUT it was a total implosion of him telling me everything that was wrong in our lives. I didn’t realize just how drunk he was at the time. Turns out that hangover and discovering some missing bottles explained a lot about what was going on.
I think if I’d realized earlier it would have been wise for me to extract myself from the conversation, or getting into it with him, or reading into it. But because I didn’t quite realize I got stuck in it. Can you find a way to side-step a conversation when he’s drunk @Beth?
I too like to know how people handle verbal abuse that they have been putting up with with for many years.
Up until 2 days ago when I left, I often dealt with verbal abuse in so many ways, ignoring it, spatting it back at him, setting boundaries that never meant anything, hundreds of grand gestures like “I’m leaving” . I’ve left the room each time. None of these worked but for a short time if at all. I suppose the boundary thing would work if I knew how to follow through on a boundary and what a boundary even is exactly.
2 days ago I left ultimately because of the using but it was the verbal crap coming out of his mouth that finally left me defeated. It wasn’t any new words nor was it the worst he’s every talked to me. But rather, it was my “verbal abuse” bottom. I felt broken and dead and I didn’t want to feel like that one more day because quite frankly that can get me into very dark places and that always ends up bad. So that’s what I did and what I am doing now staying 2 miles away at an air b n b so I can get a break enough to keep him out of the house with these elusive boundaries I’m going to attempt to learn about and make.
My previous post I said I was going to bed because when I babble and don’t want to reread it then I know it’s time for me to stop , again, good night and I’m happy to be here
What you did took a lot of courage, @Kimba. I’m glad you’re here too and that you are honoring how you want to feel. You matter, and your needs matter. That’s where boundaries come in, and the only person who you can make sure respects those boundaries is yourself. It’s hard, hard work. Thank you for sharing here.