How do I stop using his mistakes against him?

communication
#1

I need help with myself on this one. I often times use mistakes my husband has made against him or throw things in his face. Sometimes it isn’t intentional, but sometimes I just want to make him realize what all I have done or how he makes me feel, etc. I know this is not helpful and is most likely only hurting situations, especially when he is in the midst of a relapse. I just need some techniques to learn and utilize on normal, good days, and also on nights after he comes over after getting high.

#2

I wish I had a good answer for this, but this is something I’m working on with my husband too. I struggle to find the balance between letting him know how I’m feeling (but being brief, to the point) without going on and on about how bad it makes me feel. I know this only makes it worse for him, as shame is a huge contributing factor to him drinking. I’ve written him a couple letters, which even if I don’t give to him, helps me get my thoughts on it out and the times I have given them to him, I’ve asked if it’s okay to share how I’m feeling and then don’t spend too much time talking about it later. I love this blog post and printed it out for him to read. I don’t know if it’s helpful for him, but it helped me to find words to put to my thoughts: https://www.lauramckowen.com/blog/when-your-lobster-is-addicted
When he’s actively drinking, I try to just pause, take some deep breaths and avoid the situation because I don’t feel confident responding with compassion and empathy, but that’s why we’re here, right? I don’t know if this is at all helpful, but I wanted to let you know that I hear you and you are not alone.

#3

How often does your husband drink? My husband is trying to convince me that using every once in awhile isnt too bad considering what hes done before. He is an ex heroin addict, he used to use daily all day until he was homeless, so now he feels like using $20-$40 every once in awhile isnt a big deal.

#4

Well, typically daily. He’s strung together a few sober days a few weeks ago and says he’s on day 6 today, but he wasn’t truthful with me about how much money he pulled out of the ATM over the weekend and his behavior made me question his sobriety yesterday. I am trying SO hard to focus on myself and not be a detective trying to get to the bottom of it, but that feels impossible sometimes.

Your situation is so tough. I’ve seen that same type of bargaining behavior with my husband’s drinking. He would say things like “well, it’s not vodka, I’m only drinking beer” and justify decisions like avoiding the liquor store and only going to gas stations. It’s been really hard for him to get to the point where he says that he understands that he can’t do it at all, but I’ve seen him go back and forth with this thinking. I don’t know what’s helpful for us to do when they’re in this stage of change, maybe @Jane and @erica have some thoughts on this.

#5

I hate having to feel like im his mother-watching his atm usage, usually keeping his card just incase. We only have one vehicle so unfortunately it becomes my responsibility to take both of us to work, and run my car into the ground. Luckily for me he is open to all this, he knows that he isnt capable of keeping his ATM card, I used to keep his ID also because sometimes he pawns things. Is your husband trying any recovery methods? Mine belives cold turkey and doing it on his own (plus the deal he believes we have made) is what will work for him. And how do I argue with that? Because I dont really know.

#6

I get that feeling :frowning: Mostly cold turkey as well. He’s started to read some blogs, IG pages, and join FB groups on sobriety, which I think is a step in the right direction. Ultimately though, I think he has to want to address the reason he’s abusing in the first place or else it’s going to be very tough to stop. Or at least find ways to replace drinking with something that adds meaning and fulfillment. Have you watched this video? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbQFNe3pkss
I like the way it frames addiction as the opposite of connection so my husband watched it and when he’s sober we try to find ways to improve his “cage.” It hasn’t been easy to identify these things, but I have to feel like it’s a start.
Sending hugs to you :heart:

#7

This is one I struggle huge with too…I even still have the Facebook messages that the girl from detox/rehab was sending me after I caught them togeather and then his subsequent Impaired and Over .80 charge. I use to and still at times want to throw ALL of this in his face but I lucked out and had a good therapist who taught me that all of this is about them and not me I just collected data about the two of them but trusting him is not going to happen over night of ever. I even used this mistake to get an emergency custody order because I know when he drinks he has 0 interest in being a dad but drinking with the 13th step from rehab who still had a car and her own children were in Childrens Aid made me apply because he wasnt making smart choices and I didnt trust her not to talk him into more stupidity. I try not to bring this up anymore he has been sober 152 days but I still have family court papers and at times I do bring up those incidents not blatantly aggressive but very much passive aggressive but I getting better. My only suggestion is a good counsellor and time…lots and lots of time but its hard when you have built up frustration and resentment. Good luck!

#9

This is hard for me as well. When my old man & I are fighting, I try to say the most vile and hurtful things–which is insanely immature and not very smart when you live and love someone with an addiction problem. I think somewhere in my sick brain, I think he’ll know how much he hurt me with the lies, deceit and stealing. He doesn’t though, just gets enraged…
NARANON and practicing their 12 steps have helped me (NARANON is for family & loved ones of addiction) although I am a SERIOUS work in progress lol. It is hard to not be a detective when you’ve been lied and stolen from for months on end. My man healed wounds he did not create, and then went and made some of his own. I can tell you when I am conscious of the things I am saying and trying to be hurtful, I try to write them down to at least get it out of me but not to his ears. I was probably more rambling than helpful, but it’s nice to know I am not the only one staying with my loved one. In my NARANON meetings, everyone there are parents. Everyone can relate to me, but it’s different. I have the choice to walk away even though I will go down every single avenue before I have to. (Obviously you can make the choice to walk away from your child as well, I just feel it’s much more infrequent.)

#8

Wow. 152 days is amazing!! Hopefully you all are celebrating this! I would love my husband to be able to go that long. 52 days would be awesome for us :slight_smile:

#10

Yes! That is the experience I have had with nar-anon. I have definitely decided to stay with my husband. I love him more than I ever knew I could love someone, but it is so hard sometimes. Luckily for me, he is open to talking about things with me because he knows I dont know about the addict life, being a drug user, or dealing with someone who could do the things he does. He does good for a little while at a time (a couple of weeks) but then he uses. The last time he lost his job due to a background check, and came home and told me he was going to a meeting. I checked my wallet and he had taken his debit card, which is an automatic indicator that he is going to use. When he uses he leaves the house, drives around until he is done or runs out of money. Sometimes he can control himself and use $40 but other times he spends everything he has, will pawn his wedding ring and/or phone, and use for a few more hours. He always comes home the same night but this time I wasnt going to be ok with that. I called him and begged him to come back (he had only made it about 3 blocks from the house before I checked my wallet) he came home but then it was his turn to beg. We argued for about an hour and then he begged me to let him use, only $20 worth. So I gave in. I left while he got high, came home and we argued a little more (not bad) and then we had a normal night. It is so difficult sometimes, but I just love him. I hate to see him in his own pain, which is why at times I give in to him using.