How do I reconnect, and let him know that what he is doing is draining me too?

dad
homeless

#1

Today, my boyfriend told me that he found my dad (who is addicted to gambling and substances I am not fully sure of) showering outside of our home with our garden hose. I was not home to see it, which I’m glad because I know I would resort to crawling into my hole and hide in the darkness of my bedroom until the next morning.
I believe, my dad is homeless again. He doesn’t have to tell me. He is doing everything he did last time he was kicked out of his condo.
I’m tired. I’m losing my dad every day, but I don’t have the energy to face him over and over again.
Any advice on how I can slowly reach out to him for my and his sake?


#2

Thanks for joining and sharing with us here @amandann. Any update on the situation since you posted?

it takes a toll on us seeing someone we love so much in the addiction spiral, again and again. So it does pay to look after ourselves extra well to prepare to show up for them. One suggestion I always like to offer is to get other friends and family involved to help too so it doesn’t just rest on our shoulders.

CRAFT has some effective tools to help guide our communications in the faec of addiction. Here’s a little guide that might be helpful to you know: How to have conversations that work.

Also, the Playbook topics on conversations & communication might be helpful to you here.

Take a look and let me know what you think.


#3

Two days ago, I saw my dad showering outside in my yard. I asked him if he wanted to go inside and shower in our bathroom. He said, “no”. He petted my dog and seemed ok. I left it as that and went inside my house. Since then, we just do a quick “hi”and “bye”. He tells me he loves me and I say it back, but I don’t feel comfortable doing it. I feel like I am giving up on him like every else in my family.
Just the thought of him and the things he has put me and my family through, drains me.
I am working with a therapist and I’m trying my best to reserve my energy for those meetings as well as my focus on my internship and my transition to the University.


#5

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this @amandann It’s always really tough to watch someone you love struggle. Have you tried reaching out to him? I have learned that it helps to write down what you want to say and then ask permission to have a conversation. Asking permission helps them to be less defensive as there is a lot of shame associated with addiction. The CRAFT tool that Jane talks about is really helpful and helps me feel a lot more hopeful about positive conversations with my boyfriend. How are you doing today?


#4

I signed up for the guide you’ve suggested. Thank you. I’ll take some time to focus on reading it.