How do i make sense when nothing makes sense?


#1

I was in a year long relationship with a man who told me was a “severe alcoholic”. I’ve been clean for 7 1/2 years & am active in the recovery community, but i honestly had no experience with someone with gallons a day drinking. There were times he seemed “off” & acted “weird”, but I’d never known him drunk so i did t know what i was seeing. His depression reached suicidal many times - took him to ER & called 911 several times for psych hold.

It wasn’t a perfect relationship, & I struggled with him communicating/sharing, but I hoped by my example & going to Celebrate Recovery he’d see his recovery was worth fighting for, too. October we celebrated a year together & his 43rd bday together. Then back to back ER trips. The last time they kept him 6 days (medical observation from withdrawals) & then his parents & I took him to rehab on 10/31.

He gave me a letter saying he loves me, he wants to get his life straight & stable, so we could have a real future together & he could marry me for real. He also gave me a bead bracelet he made, saying his hands hadn’t been stable enough to put beads on a string in years. I had hope. He made me promise i would not leave him when he was in rehab & no matter what we’d stay friends.

A week into rehab, our last phone call, he told me he’d call the next day, as many times as he could…& instead i never heard from him again. He would not take my calls when i tried calling him. I didn’t bother trying to visit because i couldn’t handle being rejected. I wrote him letters every week instead. I found out he got out of rehab last week. And blocked me from all social media. And has a new girl.

His eyes are still blank, vacant, cold. I know he isn’t better. He’ll have 90 days sober on Sat. I’ve read about PAWS. I don’t understand. I was the 1 person in his life that believed in him, his sobriety & future & i was cut out??? No one understands. But I’m accepting his choice, at this point in his recovery, & focusing on my own healing & work. My heart is just broken. And i don’t know if i should say “F this guy” & give up…or keep praying while he recovers & hope one day he’ll come back?!? This disease sucks. That much i know.


#2

<3 @Hurtiegirl tough one. I don’t know if there’s too much sense to be made here, except that addiction impairs decision making and reasoning.

I experienced going from the most important and only connection in my boyfriend’s life (aside from his addiction) to coming second to his recovery. I felt shut out during his rehab, even though I did visit once and we talked on the phone weekly, it felt more distant. And it was because he needed all his strength to focus on his recovery. I worried about him forming relationships with women in there and he did in some ways. For us we were able to reconnect after but it took a year for us to truly find our groove after. So I can see how it may have played out differently.

What this does explain is one idea of where his actions may be coming from.

What this doesn’t explain is how to work through the pain you’re going through in the intensity, care and then abrupt separation. Maybe acknowledging this was an important relationship that taught you how to be there for someone in pain but that now we need to take care of you and put you first and just trying to be ok with the fact that he’s not able to do that right now. I have imagined for my self how this heartbreak would feel so I truly am here for you in it.

Addiction makes people act in irrational ways and unfortunately that can sometimes really hurt the souls who care deeply for them.

Sending so much love and kindness to you, you deserve it <3


#3

Thank you @polly . That does help. I really just need to give him time & space to find his own way. I always encouraged that for him, just never thought me being blocked from his life would be a part of the plan! I’ve been watching videos & listening to podcasts & i think his response may be shame-driven. And again i have to give him the respect & time to process all these big, scary emotions he’s finally feeling after being drunk for 30 years. I thought telling him I’ll always be here for him no matter what in my letters was an encouraging thing…but i do not want to appear pathetic or dependent. Also i read “give yourself 15 min a day to think about this & that is it!” & to focus on Living my life & loving myself. So that’s what I’m shifting my focus to practice on now. :blush:


#4

Personally I would go on with my life @Hurtiegirl. No ill feelings or anything but simply stop trying to make sense of it and do what you do. If you are meant to be together you will. The Universe has your back <3