I posted a couple weeks ago about my S/Os slip. He’s been really struggling since, but fighting at the same time. I’m struggling to understand where he is. Since the slip, he’s been teetering between sober days and attending meetings to other days skipping meetings and sneaking drinks and buying booze with whatever change he has. I want to set boundaries. I know in my heart what I want. I want peace, recovery, and zero chaos. I want a relationship with someone who is sober and their authentic self. Not a glazed over version of someone. Yet, I love him. I don’t want to turn my back on him. Also, sometimes he can be mean and abusive while drunk, so I’m struggling to follow through on my boundaries. Instead I find myself staying and trying to talk him off a ledge, while crying, yelling, and and trying to understand. How can I better handle situations where I walk into a situation where he’s drinking? Should I leave? stay and talk? Only when he’s mean?
Tonight I was going to stop by because the plan was to chill out and watch some tv. As soon as I pulled up, he came out and said, “I messed up” I’m not thrilled with my reaction because I started to give him a choice between dumping it out or me leaving. He wasn’t going to dump it out and it was the last bit. So I stayed. And we talked. He said he’s sorry for disappointing me. But I just kept trying to understand what it is that keeps him going back. He said he can’t pinpoint it. The only thing he could say is it feels like a release, like a warm feeling, like it helps sooth him. And he’s been stressed and this is his coping mechanism. The thing I don’t get is the things he’s stressed about are typical life’s stressors. I mean he’s working on getting his license, his jobs a bit whacky from the pandemic. But to me, these aren’t any reasons to destroy ones life over.
On one hand I give him credit for fighting. On the other hand I feel like he could be trying harder. The one thing we’ve talked about was to reach out before he drinks, but he’s not doing that. In fact, I feel like instead he’s thinking ahead to how he can figure out a way to get his hands on booze.
I guess tonight I’m struggling with setting boundaries. Knowing when to set a boundary. Knowing when to leave the situation. It gets kind of hazy With boundaries especially when he’s wanting me to stay and talk. It’s also tough when I really wanted to see him and hang out. I’m also struggling to understand why. Why does he say one thing and do another. Is he just saying what I want to hear in the moment? I do believe he wants this, but he did admit tonight that he feels like he’s back on the fence again.
I’m also disappointed in myself. I feel like him running outside to tell me he messed up was a step in the right direction. He was trying to be honest instead of sneaking or hiding the glass. Instead I got mad, gave him ultimatums, and cried and pleaded and yelled and nagged. I know I could have done better, but it’s just so emotional to me. The 4 months of sobriety were amazing. I was and am still so proud of that time we had together.
At the end of the night we ate some food, he started to sober up a bit, we laid there head to head on his L shaped couch like we always do, he held my hand and said “you’re not going to lose your best friend.”