How can we help Our loved ones during these unprecedented times while helping ourselves?


#1

I posted this on another feed but decided to create this as a separate new post:

Well I think I’m struggling a bit at times mentally. Although I’m the queen of “holding it together.” My soon to be ex-husband whom I’m still living with (he won’t leave) came home all cracked out on cocaine and alcohol this weekend. He got abusive with me and made a horrible scene in front of the kids. I almost called 911. Although he’s always been a “functioning addict” I’m beginning to question just how “functioning“ that type of behavior is. Problem is, he remembered very little about what happened, said he’s sad that I’m moving on and hates seeing me happy with someone else, said he sees no reason to tell his family about what’s going on, and that he has no intention of ever being “normal.” The thought of being “normal” scares him. Says he does not want to lose me as a friend and it makes him sad that I’m scared of him. He’s also ashamed that he was like that in front of the kids. Yet, he doesn’t seem to want to do anything to change. This is all just reiterating why it’s time to leave and move on as co-parents and hopefully friends. I’m also scared for my kids when they visit him. What if he gets high and drunk when they are with him? Many of the reasons I’ve stayed for so long. 15 years! I always thought I could control it enough to bring some normality to my kids’ lives. On many levels, that mentality has blown up in my face. Weird thing is I keep a lot of this secret and many of our loved ones have no clue of the amount of dysfunction that has accrued. We’ve both protected each other on many unhealthy levels. I’m ready to move on and I don’t want to continue with the secrets anymore.

My current S/O who is 95 days sober is still working his recovery. He’s doing nightly online meetings. We’ve still been doing at least two things together per week for our recovery. However, he’s not happy with work at the moment. He is considered an “essential” employee. He’s upset because he feels they are taking advantage of him by making him come in and do work that isn’t even in his job title. It’s really not essential work at all. I’m trying to sort it out in my mind as to whether his feelings are valid or whether he is displaying that sense of entitlement that many addicts often display. He keeps making comments about doing the work of people who were too lazy to do their jobs correctly and are paid more than him while they’re sitting at home. He’s torn between continuing to work under circumstances that are making him quite annoyed, or doing as others have done and leave for the time being to collect unemployment. I’m worried about him just sitting around for weeks. I’ve got my own kids here, I can’t entertain him all day, and sitting around doing nothing almost seems like a set up for relapse. But so does working a job day in and day out that he’s unhappy with. :woman_shrugging:t2:. Any suggestions on advice I can give him? It’s tough time for everyone right now but especially our loved ones in recovery. Sometimes, I can see the fragility of his mental state showing through at times like this. It scares me. I’m proud that he hasn’t relapsed, and is still taking recovery seriously. I’m also proud that he’s talking things out and trying to make decisions for himself instead of running to the liquor store. But I feel sometimes the same mentalities and thinking patterns that made him drink are still there sober. Not sure what to say to help him see that or help him make sound decisions.

I feel this sense of constant fear when anything new arises. Being out of work isn’t helping my cause. I’m not sure whose more fragile. Me or them? Any advice would be great!


#2

You are going through so much right now! You say you’re the queen of “holding it together,” and that’s a strong quality for sure. Please just know it’s okay to fall apart sometimes - whether it’s a little bit or a lot.

It has to be incredibly frustrating for your s/o to be unhappy with his job, especially during this time when everything is so unstable. What are some things that he or the two of you enjoy doing at home? Now is the time to try to make home life as enjoyable as possible, as impossible as that seems right now. It’s still doable. A favorite meal, a TV show or movie you can watch together, an art project, a walk outside.

Can you talk to him about your fears and ask him how you can support him, while letting him know how he can support you during this time? I see recovery in a relationship as a team approach - you’re both in it together. That means you’re supporting each other, because your mental health affects his recovery and vice versa. When I’m vulnerable with my husband, he opens up more and steps up more and is less defensive or on guard. Because it’s not me telling him or suggesting what he needs to do to be better, but rather, me saying “Look, we’re both struggling. How can we move forward together?”

Hope that helps! Hang in there. :pray::sparkles:


#3

Thanks for the responses. So far, so good. My S/O is at almost 4 months sober next week. I’m so proud of him. He chose to take the quarantine. I was very nervous about it at first, but I think working was making him more stressed. We’ve been keeping busy with painting, movies, trying to get my garden boxes made, and recovery meetings. He’s doing great and so far hasn’t shown any signs of relapse. I pray every day that he will keep up on his recovery, as one day I’d like to be with him fully and spend my life with him. For now, we support each other through friendship, love, and recovery.

My kids dad/ex husband is looking at places to move. In the meantime, I am getting bills paid down so he can afford to do this. He basically told he that he has no intentions on ever being “normal” and the thought of that scares him. He’s still choosing to drink here and there , but hasn’t had anymore drug episodes. But it’s just a matter of time. I’ve been going in this circle for 15 years. At 41 years old, I’m done. The problem with him is he never has strong enough consequences. Losing me has probably been one of his biggest, but that only made him want to numb out more. I’m angry at him for the things he put he through over the years and for the abuse he put me through that he can’t recall half the time. I believe there is hope for everyone, but I’m not waiting around anymore. I was no angel in the relationship either, but I’m truly hoping that with a move one day I’ll find it in my heart to forgive him and be his friend for our kids’ sake.