How Can I Support My Partner to Navigate Healthier Boundaries with His Co-Dependent Mother?



My boyfriend has 67 days clean. I am beyond proud. I’m learning every day how to continue to grant patience and grace while also granting myself the same.

One problem, however, is that my boyfriend is living with his very-co-dependent mother who also suffers from her own addictions. He tries very hard to establish boundaries but more and more I see him slipping back into old behaviors in response to her (not a relapse… but the behaviors still look the same, if that makes sense?) and it’s affecting our communication.

For example, he is 45 years old, and yet she expects him to “come home”" and not stay with me. Lots of expectations that look like that. And at first he was able to make it clear to her that he was a grown man and that he would check in so she knew he was safe, but other than that she needed to back off, essentially. That is slowly slipping by the wayside now and I am losing the patience I work very hard to hold in my heart already. Rebuilding our fractured relationship as a result of the addiction is hard enough! But to attempt to do so with her muddying it up is nearly impossible.

I am trying to support him to look into couples therapy at his IOP, or even separate through his insurance. I have offered to pay the co-pay. Whatever I need to do because I am missing the mark here and I really believe without couples therapy we will NOT be able to do this.

Any suggestions of what I can be doing differently or better?

Thank you!