I’m kind of in a situation and I need some advice. My S/O has been in a pretty big relapse since October. He’s tried to pull himself out several times but is really struggling to stay sober. Pretty much since October it’s been a pattern of several slips, sober for a few days, major relapse, pull himself out, detox, sober again for few days, repeat. It’s getting exhausting. I never know what I’m going to get day to day.
Him and I are huge music fans and he bought us a series of live concerts of our favorite band we can watch from home. One thing we did this year when he was in recovery was we went to concerts sober together. After that, I started to set boundaries where I’d only do enjoyable things with him when we were both sober. My general rule these days is that to have me in his life doing things and hanging out, he must be sober. This has definitely pushed him to stay sober more this year than in any year.
One of our concerts is tomorrow… After pleading with him last week to get sober so we can enjoy the concert together, he did for about 4 days. Tonight he’s drunk again. I told him I would not watch a concert with him if he’s drunk tomorrow.
I’m so pissed. I feel like he’s putting me in a tough position. I know if I don’t watch this concert with him, he’ll be very upset with me. However, I told him I’d only watch it sober with him. Now I feel like I have to make a decision between sticking to my guns and keeping my boundaries I’ve put in place or just saying fuck it and attend this concert with a drunk guy who won’t be on the same level as me at all.
I know that sounds harsh, but for once, I’m pissed. And what will happen is I’ll be the bad guy. He actually told me when he was drunk last week that we’ll be through if I miss this performance. I know that’s just the booze talking, but to be honest, it’s going to crush him. It’s our favorite band and I know it means a lot to him. In some respects, it wouldn’t be the first time in our 13 years that I watch a concert with him while he’s drunk. But we’ve come so far and I try not to be in the habit of sending mixed messages. I don’t want me attending with him to send the message that I’m ok with hanging out with a blacked out drunk guy. I can no longer send the message that I’ll just settle for that. This is part of my recovery. I also don’t want to make empty threats. I already told him I would not be there if he’s drunk.
So what’s a girl to do? Is it just one concert, so who cares? Or is this an important message to send about what’s acceptable and not acceptable?