New development today he told me he has been in love with both of us equally for many years and now he’s ready to tell me. He hasn’t apologized for cheating on me and shown any compassion for how I am feeling. He didn’t came clean about the other woman by himself, I found out and then confronted him. He then said he’s ready to forgive me (i guess for the things he think I did but I haven’t) and start fresh. When I asked him if that new beginning would involves only me he was sort of evasive and never actually answered the question. At this point I feel very hurt and betrayed. I still love him deeply but I feel like all the love I gave him, all the energy I put in our projects, in our life together, he actually was only putting half of himself and he was never fully involved in our relationship. At this moment, I feel like I need to stand for myself, end this relationship and move on. Can his behaviour be a consequence of his addictions or is he just a dishonest and selfish man? Have any of you experienced something similar where cheating was involved because of the drugs? Thanks
Hi @Abe, wow that’s a lot! I know it’s really intense when this information comes out…so be kind to yourself and take as much time as you need to process all of this.
Yes, my ex-partner’s meth addiction was tied to ritualized sexual behavior. He preferred to get his drugs from sex workers and then sleep with them after he got high.
For a long time I was willing to forgive the behavior because it was tied to the addiction. And I still know that it was in fact compulsive and part of the addiction, however it’s not something I could keep living with.
I spent a lot of time processing my emotions around it, getting coaching on it, and learning through my experience with him. When we last spoke a few weeks ago, he was committing to his recovery and we agreed to just be friends. We’ve gone through this break up/get back together cycle so many times now, I’ve resolved that this is the last time. I’m making a real effort to release him with love and move forward with my life.
It’s really painful. I have to work really hard to stop my thoughts that tell me I wasn’t good enough for him. It was never about me though. This is a struggle he’s had since long before I met him, and it doesn’t mean anything about how loveable or desirable I am.
Keep processing, keep taking care of yourself.
Thank for sharing Karilyn. I do believe his addiction fuelled the cheating but I also completely lost trust in his ability to sustain a monogamous relationship. I feel like a fool for being that girl in a relationship with an addict who would take him back after he cheated on her. But I am also scared of leaving him, of being alone and starting over. I guess this relationship has drained a lot of my energy and self-esteem / self-worth. Although rationally I know he’s the addicted one, he’s the only one to blame for this addiction and his disrespectful behaviour, I often feel that I fail the relationship, that i’m not good enough for him. He’s talking about wanting a family, but I know depth down he’s not, at least currently, a good father-material and it would be a mistake to put myself in this situation. It makes me questions a lot my self-worth I guess. If a friend came to me with a similar story, I feel like I would tell her to run away, but somehow when this is about me I don’t seem to be able to let it go.
He is currently seeking help, or at least that’s what he told me. Lately he has been talking a lot about putting the addiction behind him and starting fresh. But can we start fresh after this? Am I ever going to feel safe in this relationship? I am scared I’ll wake up in 10 years and regret not leaving him.
Yeah, I think ALL those things too.
“I failed this relationship”
“I’m not good enough for him to want to be monogamous with me”
“I’m weak for taking him back after cheating on me”
None of that is true, of course. We’re all totally worthy of a healthy relationship with love, respect, honesty and loyalty (if that’s what we want).
So keep feeding yourself with this truth. You are worthy.
Don’t beat yourself up for staying. You will leave at the perfect time for you, if that’s what’s right for you. I learned so much about myself, about life, about relationships from my experience with him. It all happened as it was supposed to.