My S/O is going on 4 months sober. I’m extremely proud of him. It’s everything I’ve prayed for during the past year. He’s been in my life for 15 years and has always struggled with alcoholism. This past year has been both promising and tough. During 2020, he had more sober days than drunk but he’s had a few very tough relapses. We’ve been through hell and back together. After a very tough relapse in November, he got sober and this time, it’s sticking.
I want him to be sober more than anything. I’m so very happy to have my best friend back. We’ve been enjoying each other’s company and mostly it’s been great. But there has definitely been a lack of intimacy. I’m not sure what is going on. I’ve mentioned it twice now. Each time he states that he’s not sure if it’s his meds he’s on or just the fact that this time around he’s really working his program. He’s on Remeron for insomnia, but it’s an anti depressant as well. He’s definitely working his AA program in a way I’ve never seen. He’s being completely transparent about everything and is taking his recovery very seriously. So I can’t figure out if it’s the med, the full on concentration into his program, or a bit of both that’s leading to a lack of intimacy. The worst thought that crosses my mind is that it’s me. Maybe he doesn’t want me like that anymore. He says it’s not that at all and we still have the same bond we’ve always had it’s just that he’s working a completely different program than he’s ever worked and it takes a ton of energy to rewire his brain.
unfortunately, i feel it’s taking a toll on my self-esteem. I want so bad to support him, but I have needs too. I want to feel desirable and wanted. Maybe my needs need to take a back burner for now. I’ve been careful not to say too much because I think it would make him feel bad. He’s told me things will get better.
Everything else is perfect. We see each other every day. He constantly tells me he loves me. He holds my hand, gives me kisses, we laugh constantly. but it stops there. We haven’t been intimate sexually in over a month. I think since rehab we’ve been intimate a total of 3-4 times, and it’s been dwindling more and more as time goes by. I can’t help but think this isn’t healthy for us. Also, he seems to be very rigid now. everything seems like business. We go to work, he goes to AA, comes home, bed at a very rigid hour, repeat. We have a movie night once per week and we shop together on the weekends. We pretty much do everything in life together, But anything romantic or intimate is at zero. He wants to be around me, tells me he loves me, includes me in everything, but zero sex. it’s super confusing.
I need help, because I can feel resentments building up on my end. I feel like screaming at times. I feel selfish because other than the sex he’s 100% always there for me. This is a new issue, so I’m just completely baffled. we’ve always been very intimate together when he’s been sober in the past so this is definitely new territory. I also have to remember he’s almost died several times this year. He was very, very sick. I know what i’m expecting is a lot after what he’s been through. But I’ve been through it right with him. It was a very lonely time for me to see someone slowly killing themselves. It was devastating and I’ve been through huge amounts of trauma as a result. I just feel myself craving his touch and wanting to be held and feel something intimate with him. I feel like the loneliness continues in early recovery.
Any similar experiences or advice would be greatly appreciated. I do not want to interfere with the work he’s doing. without the program, we will have nothing. How can I push through this without my self-esteem plummeting. I do go to Alanon and therapy which is helping. But any advice would be very helpful.