Hard time connecting to my boyfriend after he left rehab


#1

My Boyfriend just left rehab this past week. He’s doing amazing so far…36 days sober from alcohol. I’m so proud of him. He spent his first weekend out at my house …the first night was really nice…and we enjoyed eachothers company…talked…had dinner…took kids to the beach…but then the next 2 days afterwards he became really shut off. If I hugged him or kissed him…even held his hand…he became so cold…absolute nothingness…distant…like kissing a dead person. He didn’t even want to be intimate with me. I’m trying to not take things personally…but its really hard not too… i keep thinking about the look on his face when he looked at me…like it was absolute disgust…like no love in his eyes at all. He said it’s not me it’s him…but now that he’s gone back to his house he’s just ignored any messages I’ve sent. I’ve just tried to be really supportive through all of this and it’s really hurting me. When I mention how it makes me feel he just gets annoyed and barks at me. He’s suffering from PAWS …how long does this last? He just seems so far away and I’m scared he’ll just keep pushing me away. I’m just going to give him his space …but it’s breaking my heart.


#2

I had this happened and waited 6 months in total. I was with my ex for over two years and we were obsessed with each other. It was dead when he got into detox center then a sober living home and I regret not leaving when he was in detox… when my ex man went into a sober living home. The only couples I seen survive are the ones who were with each other several years (10+) or had a child but unfortunately it came with cheating. Addicts are great in early recovery blaming everyone else so this could be another issue that can be blamed on you. My honest opinion with experience is cut your ties with him because it gets worse. If you let it go and let him work on himself there could be a future but being in a place where you’re not getting affection is a great way of you acting normal and questioning it. You can’t really communicate with someone in early recovery :heart:️‍🩹 they don’t even have themselves. Let it go and if it’s meant to be it’ll happen. If you stay he will be more cold and possibility disrespect you so hard you can’t go back. A relationship needs Intimacy. If it’s not you and it’s him let him find himself. You can’t work harder when someone shows you less. Trust me people will say sometimes it’s possible to be with an addict in early recovery if you were together before but trust me. The worse is yet to come. I seen it many times through al-anon and sober living homes. I wish someone told me this when I was in your shoes.


#3

Hi

I can understand what you are going through. I’m going through it now. He goes in to Sober living gets out goes to his moms house. He reaches out and tells me he loves me we hang out then goes back in to sober living and ignores me until he gets out . It’s a roller coaster. I also told him that he was like a dead person. But he is mentally unstable due to the drug use. He shoots up heroin and meth.

He always talks about marriage we have been together for almost 4 years just dating I know he loves me but it’s very hard. When I first met him everything was perfect I had no idea that he was an addict until he relapsed. I had never been around it so I had no clue.

Give him time he will come around my friend tells me that he just needs his space because they go through so much and that everything irritates them. I’m new to all
This but I’m learning as I go. I trust God!!!


#4

Ya…he just broke up with me.
Said he didnt want to be with me…and that its the best decision for him and me.


#5

Checking in here @Alanna how are you doing now?

I hope you can tell by reading through the community posts here that the early recovery stage can be so tough on relationships and partnerships. You are definitely not alone in this.

For context, research shows that it takes around 6 months for the brain to heal about 50% of the substance use damage. It takes time for the brain to recalibrate once the substance use stops and as a result there are often heightened feelings of depression and irritability because the brain had become used to reliably being flooded with pleasure from the substance, which is now gone. It’s a tough time for them and for us to be around. Additionally, they say that after 5 years of recovery the person has reached more of a safety zone. I’ve experienced these milestones with my loved one. It certainly hasn’t been easy.

Wishing you all the best <3


#6

Thanks Jane. I appreciate you reaching out. I’ve been reading alot about that too…He has still been contacting me…but I’m just giving him space. I’m going to just keep doing my own thing and moving forward…and pray he can do it alone. If he needs me all he has to do is call…Can’t help someone if they are constantly shutting you out …so it’s hard…but so is life I guess.
Thanks again.


#7

@Alanna what a strong and wise perspective, thank you for sharing with us here. I’m sure your support, even at a distance, means a lot. Wishing you all the best <3 and keep us posted!