Going about a relapse and how to deal with dishonesty?

relapse
trust
#1

Hey everyone. Here I am posting again because I’m trying to figure out how to handle things one step at a time…

Last time I posted was about my boyfriend telling me he had a slip and used ONE day a few weeks ago but went right back into recovery. I was upset but happy he didn’t let it consume him and continued help.

Fast-forward to now… I noticed the same signs and inconsistencies in him ever since his last “one-day slip” that I couldn’t deny anymore. I kept asking him if he was using and he denied. But I knew deep down he wasn’t telling me the truth. Last night he went out to the car to get something and took a while. I assumed he had been getting high in the car but didn’t want to believe my thoughts. Then this morning while he was sleeping I decided to take a look around the car and saw evidence. I woke him up and confronted him and eventually he confessed.

I told him I was upset not because of the relapse but because he hadn’t been honest with me. I said I can handle relapse as long as he is honest about it so I can provide support. But my question here is… should I have waited for him to tell me the truth? I want to be distant from him if he continues using until he is ready to get back on track. But he says he is ready. How do I know? Where do I go from here? Just need some advice I guess.

#2

Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you trusted your intuition knowing he had relapsed and was being dishonest. I think it’s OK that you confronted him. I would tell him that if he would like to continue living in the house with you, you are doing to need a different level of commitment to his treatment. Then you’ll just need to see whether or not he decides to change. Continue to keep the focus on yourself and what you can control. What makes you happy. Good luck, it’s not easy but you sound very strong.

#3

I struggle so much with feelings around dishonesty, I completely understand how you’re feeling. In my situation, it hasn’t mattered too much if I wait to hear the truth or am upfront about it. What I’ve realized is that I’m disappointed either way and in times where I’ve waited for him to tell me on his own, I get more upset if it takes too long and it can cause that anger to fester. I think you do what feels right in the moment. Since attending the weekly meetup on trust and managing suspicion, I have been trying to look at the reasons for the dishonesty, which has helped me take it less personally. I now understand that he isn’t lying about things unrelated to addiction, so unfortunately, this is a part of the disease. It’s also helped me understand that this behavior is serving a purpose for him. In my husband’s case, I think he’s terrified at how hard it is for him to stop so if it’s not in the open, that fear doesn’t seem as real. I know every situation is different, but you’re not alone in this <3

#6

Thank you so much for sharing @Tlee22 so helpful for other members to hear how you work through the habitual thinking patterns and tap into that super-awareness.

#4

Im sorry to hear of your husbands dishonesty. Unfortunately it typically goes with the territory. My husband used to lie to me for several reasons. Mostly because he didn’t want to hear the b.s. I used to lie due to not wanting to disappoint a person and also an extreme amount of guilt, and not wanting to be vulnerable to my weaknesses.
But relapse happens, unfortanately it is part of the process for alot of people…probably most. Addiction is totally a living hell. For people first beginning to get clean or sober it is a living hell. Imagine every day your mind/body is fighting itself. A constant angel and devil on the shoulder. One telling you to go use, just one more time…you need to, you must. I will make you feel better, I will make you forget. The angel telling you, you dont want to do this anymore. You are going to lose this or that. You are in internal pain and just making it worse. Sometimes the angel is not even heard, especially if a person has no desire to stop, and no consequences. I just wanted to share that. And that I have been on both sides. I have been the one to plead with my husband to stop. And dealing with his use literally almost killing me and destroying my sense of safety and peace. I myself am in recovery, and after some time it is still a struggle.
But if your husband wants to stop he can and he will. With the right support and with the right tools it is possible. He needs to put the work in though and make the right decisions. If he is hanging around old friends and old places he is not seriouse. If a person is determined to get and stay on the right path they are going to take actions. Actions like seeking out support groups, talking to someone, looking for resources. Doing it on your own rarely works. About 40% of people that stay clean go to some support groups. Others go to programs, seek therapy, or go to church. What works for one may not work for others. My mom happened to stop her crack addiction by going to church. I have another froend who stopped her crack addiction by just talking to friends and staying away from the wrong people. They have been clean for 10 plus years. Me, I go to support groups and am on assisted medication.
Every situation is so different. It is so hard to watch the one you love suffer. When I was younger and before I ever really knew anything about recovery I always thought I can save this person. Or this person is going to stop using because they love me. Not the case.
Well I am knew to the group…and apologize for talking off that exact subject a bit. I empathize with you and I hope your significant other is able to maintain his sobriety. In the meantime take care of yourself. Treat yourself good and be as happy as you can. Don’t let him steal your joy. It is hard not to try and fix, manage, and control the situation. If he wants to do it he will, not because you or anyone else want him to or need him too. He has gotta want to. Thats why in groups loke AA and NA they say “I was tired of being sick and tired”. I couldn’t do it for my kids, for my husband, for my job, or anything or anyone else. It had to be something I wanted, for me. Sorry I have gone a bit off topic and maybe shared to much. Like I said I am new and apparently have alot to say…lol.

#5

Thank you so much for sharing @Kimmie really helpful to hear your experience.