Do you ask your loved one to provide drug test results for you at home? My husband has always gotten drug tests from the recovery center where he gets his medication, and I have access to those results. Unfortunately I can no longer trust those results. I have never wanted to do at-home drug tests because they just seem so awkward and I don’t want to deal with that. But after my husband’s last slip it has become more necessary in building back trust. Just wondering if anyone here has had experience with them and how it has worked out for you.
It’s been awhile since you asked this question! I’m just seeing it as I’m a fairly new member. Is there any update with this situation as I was about to ask the same question when I came across your thread for the same question?
In my experience, my boyfriend who is in active heroin addiction when agreed to regular drug testing, either 1. When I ask him for one, he uses that against me somehow. Saying no because I did this thing last week that upset him and he doesn’t feel he should have to or 2. He will do it and it’ll read negative but doesn’t make me feel any better. Because he knows how to trick them. He drinks those qcarbo cleansing drinks and they’ve worked. So I’ve found that they just cause me more anxiety and more stress.
Yeah we’ve been doing the at home tests. They are less frequent now as it’s been a couple of months since his last slip and things are going good. The last two times I’ve considered asking him to take a test because of some bad feelings I had, I waited instead. And then eventually, within a day or so or even sooner, he was able to explain the behaviors that were giving me the bad feeling. So I guess I’ve been learning not to jump to use the test right away every time I’m triggered. Which is nice because I don’t want to ask him to take a test when things are going good, ya know? The truth reveals itself in its own way and time. However, it is definitely nice to have the test on hand when there are a bunch of red flags that just can’t be ignored.
It took us a long time to get to this point though. In early recovery, he didn’t even want to give me access to his test results from his treatment center, so at home tests were of course completely out of the question. We’ve had to work on our marriage a lot in order to get to a place where we are completely transparent and able to communicate better.
I’m so glad that he’s doing well and y’all have been able to grow in the process! Where I hope to be within next year!
If you don’t mind my asking, what did y’all do to work on the relationship since early recovery to now that has gotten y’all to such a common ground with this? I can’t seem to get my guy to tell me the truth to save my life lol. We will be on same page one day and next day he’s acting like he’s used and lies to me about it. Then a few days later if I’m lucky he’ll tell me the truth but only after I go through my 10 min speech on how I feel so disconnected when he lies and this is how I am trying to support him yadi yadi ya.
@ltd31015 Therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. I’ve had a couple of individual therapists in the last few years, we’ve been in marriage counseling for two years, he started seeing his own therapist last year. Our therapy has really been the foundation of building back trust, learning to communicate better, resolve conflicts, support each other, all of it. In addition we have been both working on our own recoveries - I go to Al-Anon and have been working a lot on finding my own spirituality, finding community and people to connect with, and he has been devoting time to healthy hobbies, spending time with friends and family, deepening his spirituality. It’s a lot of work and it’s exhausting at times and it never ends. But we are better humans and parents because of it.
@momentsandlight That’s awesome! Your story and advice are huge encouragement for me definitely but I’m sure others in the same situation. It’s uplifting to hear that couples do infact get to a positive place in this whole overwhelming cycle. Not without huge commitment and relentless perseverance but that it’s even possible is nice to hear sometimes. Doubt has a lovely way of creeping in and just chilling for however long it desires. Thank you for your comments!