Do I let him go? Will this ever get better?

relapse
recovery
#1

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 months. I’m sure this story sounds familiar to others as well. We had an instant connection, so intense. More than I’ve ever experienced before. There are so many similarities in us and I know we could have an amazing life together. The trouble is he’s an addict. Crack is his drug of choice. He’s been very open about his past and struggle. He has a great deal of emotional baggage from the past. He’s in recovery, however, relapsed multiple times over the years. Recently he slipped about a month ago and I think he went back out last night. He’s not responding to me so I’m pretty sure he’s in run mode. Both times it’s happened after a fight over something seemingly small. He has trust and abandonment issues and get scared often. Calling it “getting in his head.” He says I’ll eventually leave him. Usually we can work through it however I find that I’m constantly convincing him of my feelings and that I’m not going anywhere. Very quick mood swings. Big temper at times. I’m on eggshells often. It’s so strange. We go from planning a life and future together to him snapping and saying he’s done with us. All in the same day or even hours apart. I think it stems from his fear and addiction history. I know when he’s upset he craves the drug so he can forget and mask his feelings even if it’s temporary.

I really don’t know what to do. This is all new to me and I don’t know how likely this will change. He has so much good in him. I see all of those qualities. I tend to see the good in people and overlook the bad. I’m also fiercely loyal. Am I stupid for thinking this could change? That the emotional roller coaster cycle will lessen over time? He’ll stop running? I don’t want to give up on him like everyone else has but I also have a 16 year old daughter to consider too. If it was just me I could handle more. She has never witnessed any of this first hand and does not know about the addiction but has seen me upset when he’s run twice in the past. I know she’s concerned that my relationship moved too fast with him.

Any advice would be much appreciated. I’m so out of my depth here.

#2

No one simple answer here @Niferlynne - we discussed in our live Q&A for you HERE

Let us know what you think and how you’re doing today?

All my best,
Jane

#3

There is always hope. It can get better. It takes work from everyone involved. I’m sure it all seems very overwhelming right now, and it is. There is so much to learn, so much to let go, so much work to do. When we think of it all, it seems almost impossible. Take it one step at a time. I remember when I found out my husband relapsed after eight years of recovery, the first thing I did was called my sister and cried. She told me what to do next - go take a walk. Take some time for yourself. During my walk, I decided to make an appointment with a therapist because I realized I needed to start loving myself again. And so it went on, one step at a time. Each step takes us forward. Sometimes we go back. But we grow resilient, and we keep going.

Does this get any better? Am I stupid for thinking it will?