Confused again about the recovery of the person I care about


#1

Hi all!
The person I car I a lot about (who is my ex) is a recovering addict/GA.
I don’t think he fully understands how so dearly and deeply I care about him.
He is my ex, for about 5 yrs now, but there have been intervals he would still reach out, though very rare. In a year, in the last 5, he’d connect at least twice a year… We have been very distant and I only chance upon photos of him looking to be well and having fun with his “support group” — i put quotation marks because I’m not sure how much of that support group is true support – how much he really opens up. Or maybe he does.

Just recently he tried to reconnect with me and my mom… and then we got to talk about stuff thats keeping me busy. I’ve always kept my doors opened, but almost never reach out or initiate contact. I truly want to see him be clear with me, and show his intent.

What makes me confused whenever I see photos of him with his support group is that they are soooo happy. Photos contain captions of expressions of appreciation and love they have as friends of my ex… how they feel loved and supported by my ex… how he is dependable. Yes this makes me envious because this side he does not show me, even if I keep my doors open. Even if I’ve seen him through his worst, and stuck around, I feel like he does not choose me. I am tough though. I want things clear, I set boundaries, a part maybe he is not willing to face yet.

At the end of all of this, it is all my choice and risk to keep my doors open despite not knowing for sure how he (still) feels about me.

How can eh be so admired like that by others when he has big issues he is not facing? How can that be authentic?! How come I am the one alone and truthful?

Anyone been in this, felt this feelings?
I am angry, confused, envious and sad all at the same time. Feeling defeated and lonely.

I feel like I am the one being punished for the tough love.


#2

@kl1m I totally feel you! I remember early on in my husband’s recovery that seeing his attention going elsewhere was really painful for me. In reflecting on that time I realized how hard recovery is, and that the early recovery process kind of needs to be a selfish one for the person in it. I think we need to take extra care of ourselves during that time.

Sometimes it’s hard for them to connect with us also when we’ve seen everything they’ve done that they feel really ashamed about. And it’s simply easier for them to relate to new people with lower responsibility over.

What do you think? How have things progressed? How are YOU doing? <3