Acknowledging small wins - however small! - helps build bridges for connection with your loved on who needs your positive enforcement.
We are really early in our recovery, but he’s bending over backward to help me with my trust issues (legitimately felt, due to his lying about using).
Last night, he checked in with me and offered to come home for the night rather than minimize his driving back (on icy roads) to the same place early the next morning.
I thanked him several times, and just appreciated him recognizing that it was an issue for me without my explaining it. But I felt weird saying, “Yeah, please DO come home”. We can’t live like this forever with him being on a leash at the whim of my insecurities that he caused.
I don’t know how the trust is going to come back.
Thank you for sharing @CharlieHorse! Such a win that he’s showing awareness about your trust/distrust. I imagine (and fingers crossed!) that if he keeps up this awareness & recognition, and you keep up acknowledging his efforts, trust will come back over time.
@CharlieHorse - I know how you feel about the trust issues. My husband’s transparency regarding his drug use and location has really helped me in building back trust - having access to his drug test results, being able to see his location via phone app. These things he refused to tell me when he was in active addiction, and now they’re like this safety net for me. I don’t check them all the time anymore, but when I’m having a bad feeling, they’re there. But you’re right - do I always need to know his location in order to trust him?
My husband is working on quitting smoking - down from almost a pack a day to only 5 a day! He has also started to embrace his creative side - taking voice lessons (something he’s always wanted to do), painting, writing. And a small but also big win - he has huge issues getting to bed at a decent time and it continues to be a major struggle in our relationship. Sometimes I feel like he’s not really trying. But during one of our couples therapy sessions, he mentioned that he has started to hear a voice at night telling him he should probably go to bed. Whether or not he listens to it is a different story, but the voice did not exist before. He suffers from ADHD so he can often get hyper focused on an activity, let’s say a phone game or writing or cleaning in the middle of the night, so this voice that’s helping him to pull his attention toward going to bed is actually a big step in the right direction. Just knowing that has helped me to see that there IS progress, and that communication is SO important to be able to recognize these wins.
I already witnessed SO buying fake urine and passing his drug screen, so I’m not sure that avenue (having access to his test results) would reassure me. :
These are such positive changes @momentsandlight! Thanks for sharing! Is he enjoying his voice lessons?!
@katie YES he is enjoying the lessons and he’s been receiving some amazing feedback from his teachers. Next step is looking into opportunities to actually perform, which of course initially has me worried because typically music scene is associated with bars/party life. But communicating those fears with him is helpful.
Baths and bedtime routines! He has such trouble sleeping and getting in his head so I love to see him come up with new ways to relax <3