Boyfriend went into sober living + shut me out

relationship
recovery

#1

My boyfriend and I lived together and when I became aware of his alcoholism we struggled a little bit because I would come home from work to him passed out and feel scared and frustrated. He decided to do sober living and moved out at the beginning of December. He told me we will be So much better because he will be sober and his best self for me. Not even 2 weeks later, he suddenly broke up with me. We had no issues that came up, everything seemed great. He would call me 2x a day to talk until he broke up with me and now saying he didn’t want to be with me for a long time. I don’t believe it and am so confused. Is this common for people in relationships going through recovery? I’m having a hard time letting it go. I thought we’d be together forever.


#2

Hi @Andi,

First of all, kudos to you for reaching out for some support! That’s the best thing you can do for yourself. Second, I experienced this too. I think it is pretty common for people to have a big shift in perspective and priorities when they commit to recovery.

I know this hurts a LOT right now, I’ve been there too. When you think about how much you love him, what do you want the most for him - sobriety? Or to work on the relationship with you? Sometimes it’s too much for people to work on both, and they have to choose. In what ways could this be a good thing for both of you?

Be sure to feel all the feelings of sadness, grief and confusion. That’s important. And then, allow yourself to be willing to shift your perspective on this event into something that is helpful to you. If you’re really struggling, definitely reach out for professional support whether that’s a therapist or life coach. It’s so much easier with support. And of course keep talking it out with us here! Many of us have been where you are, we feel you. And I know from personal experience that just on the other side of heartbreak is a lot of self love and freedom. Now is the perfect time to commit to YOU and get the support that YOU need. :heart:


#3

Thank you so much for your support. :heart: I’m doing therapy and al-anon and it’s helping but the pain is so overwhelming still. I am trying to let go, all he tells me is we are never getting back together and it’s so hard to hear when just the night before we broke up he said he loved me so much. I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t and I never thought I’d experience that with him.


#4

I feel you so much- going through something very similar right now, and I know it hurts so much & is very confusing. It’s really hard to understand how things can seemingly change overnight. You are not alone. Keep reaching out. Your question and a couple of others help me to take my situation less personally, because this seems to be a common thing that happens to when people are newly sober. I am trying really hard to focus on me and see how this situation gives me an opportunity to work on my own issues. And I keep reminding myself that this is what he needs to do to be sober, and that’s the most important thing. Take good care of yourself.


#5

This is a tough one. I’ve been there in a different way. My S/O once chose an alcoholic woman to live with and be with over me. It was absolutely devastating. He was and always has been my soul mate, so it was terrible for me. after a lot of heartache and drama, I finally decided I just don’t want to be with anyone who does not want to be with me. Sometimes that might mean cutting the ties for a bit or forever. This gives both people space to really think and process everything. sometimes, this separation might bring them back. sometimes it doesn’t. but at least you’ll know.

During this time, I didn’t contact him at all. I lived my life for me. I took care of myself. I did things I used to enjoy that I neglected due to trying to help him and focus on him. In the end, he came back and we’ve been together since. not saying this is what will happen. but the healing we both did by being apart was necessary and huge. my S/O needed to sink this low in a relationship with another alcoholic so he could see just how bad his addiction had gotten. I needed to see that i’m capable on my own. I needed to grow and show myself my own worth. I too had my own relationship issues to work through. So it was all meant to be that we took a break. It was such a difficult time for me but it helped me grow in so many ways.

As far as early recovery, my S/O tends to run and not want to be with me when he’s drinking. I could see where that would be very painful too if you went through all of that trauma and work to help him get sober for him to turn his back on you. I have heard this is common. but like I said, i just do not want to be with someone who doesn’t want me. sober or not. Take care and let us know how you are doing.