Over the course of his recovery in rehab I have begun to trust my partner less and less. My pink cloud of excitement for him has worn off as he starts putting his rehab friends before me, and communicating less and less although he has his phone all the time and lots of down time at this facility. I know that it’s obvious to him that this is happening and he recently sent me a long message about how hard it will be to trust again but that we can do it. I appreciated the message but it really supports my belief that actions speak louder than words. We took a little space the last two days and didn’t talk on the phone. I called him with an important piece of information today and after 50 seconds he said he’d have to call me back he needed to take some medications. It’s been over an hour since then with no communication whatsoever. I know he has to focus on himself but this is the same stuff when as he was in active addiction! I never came first second or even third to him. And it’s maddening to see I still don’t. Maybe I’m being selfish. And I probably need help of my own. I’m just so frustrated by being treated like I come last.
I have found that even with actions, I still have trust issues. And I probably always will. And this is just something I personally have to accept if I want to continue my relationship, asking myself “Am I willing to live in a way that isn’t ideal for something I want?” The answer, for now, is yes. Again, it might always be like this and I will just have to face that a day at a time. There is nothing scarier to me than living thinking that things are one way when they’re really another but I am committed to living MY truth every day. I am living in a way that aligns with my values and makes me feel good about the person I am. I am helping someone I love. I am looking forward to a better tomorrow and enjoying the today. Today, that is enough. I have learned that if something is different tomorrow, then that’s okay and I’ll face it then.
I am also super honest with my partner about what I do and don’t need regarding trust - the actions I need to see at a bare minimum to feel like I know what the hell is going on. He’s been very supportive and agreeable with that and I appreciate that but the minute that stops is my boundary of “I’m not doing this anymore because I can’t put myself through this.” I have also told him my other trust boundaries, such as “I don’t want to ever sign a lease with you.” There are areas of life that I’m not willing to sacrifice to show trust, because that trust will probably never be there and while that sucks, I don’t think it means I can’t have a good and happy life with him.
Recovery is also kind of a selfish thing for some people. They need to be invested fully in saving their own lives. In a lot of ways, I want my partner to want certain things more than me. I want him to want to go to therapy and the gym etc. etc. because that means he wants to stay alive and clean for him. I know I’m personally not enough for someone to stay sober for and when I see him taking care of himself, it gives me hope for us as a team.
You’re not alone. <3