Am I selfish for giving up on my s/o?


So my s/o has a problem with cocaine and alcohol. Every night he’s on both. About 2months ago he said he’ll go to rehab to help him stop, every week he said he’ll go tomorrow but never went. He managed to convince him self that he doesn’t need to go his problem isn’t that bad, so he’s not going. I went in maternity about 3mo ago and am finally going back to work, during my maternity my s/o was supposed to take care of everything and did the exact opposite, are cars are months behind on payment we’re about to evicted and some days struggle to figure how we’re going to buy basic house hold things. He had a great job and hasn’t gone since our baby was born because he supposedly going to rehab so he went on disability but since he never went he’s probably going to lose his job but he is to scared to call and find out. I haven’t been the best support system for him but I’m at a point where I just don’t know what to do. **I feel like if I leave him I’d be a horrible person for giving up on him.***i feel a anger and disappointment towards him that I just can’t shake off. He won’t leave me even when I ask him to, but I’m sure we’re getting evicted so I was thinking of leaving him when I get some money in a month or 2. I need opinions on this situation!? We’ve been on and off for years because he used to hit me before but he hasn’t hit me in a about 2years but now it’s been nothing but other problems. Is it selfish of me to want peace in my life? In my kids lives? They love their dad but I’m just so sick of struggling and fighting and being controlled by this man especially when he has nothing to offer.


So it came to the point where he was drinking and some all night till 5am and sleeping all day. He got really bad and for about a week straight he started saying that he wanted to end his life and beat me and calling me all types of names before he fell asleep. I had to call the cops and get an order of protection in order to kick him out of the house because he would not leave. It’s been a week and we just spoke yesterday and it was just sad. Supposedly he’s NOW going to rehab but idk if that’s actually going to happen. We’ve been together for 8-9 years and have 3kids together it’s a hard process, but I could not live with him anymore I was terrified that he was going to hurt me or himself and my kids would witness everything.


Hi @Lalardz, thanks for updating us to what brave things you’ve been doing this year. I hope you’re doing ok and the three kids are stabilizing. It’s a long road. It is also a loopy road that seems to have endless on ramps and off ramps, and then we find ourselves on the same road again. Hmmm. Good for you to prioritize your health and the safety of yourself & children. Never easy. You’re not alone. @Jane will be glad to hear from you and about your brave and intense 2021. :four_leaf_clover:


I He needs the right support system. I’m sure he’s a great person. But when they are high or under the influence they become a different person. He probably needs the right resources the right help. No one wants to go to rehab it’s a huge step. My boyfriend is the same but he recently left rehab and has relapsed. It’s very hard for my boyfriend. He also needs a lot of love. He doesn’t mean to hurt you. Also being close to God would also help.


@Lalardz we must put safety first - good for you for taking the necessary actions to keep you and your family safe. How have things been since we last checked in?


By “not giving up on him,” are you in turn giving up on yourself? On your own peace? On peace in your children’s lives? I’ve learned that before we can be there as support for others, we have to be able to be there for ourselves. Listen to what your soul and your body needs right now. You are not a horrible person for taking care of yourself. Sending love and hope your way.


I don’t think that doing the right thing for YOURSELF is every selfish. Only you know what the right thing for yourself and your children is. It is different for every family.

It would sure be great if you could take the COURSE. I say this because you have quite enough to do already learning how to integrate another person into your family. That is a lot of transition all by itself. You can make positive changes that can help your partner feel loved enough to be brave enough to get help. I hope you give this CRAFT stuff a try. I did the tough love stuff a long- hard try for 5 years and it didn’t match my style of wanting the most for my son. That being said, I recognize that relationships with children vary significantly from partner relationships. Good luck.:four_leaf_clover:


Not selfish. He has a disease that can only be addressed on his terms. It thrives in chaos. The chaos in your life’s feeds his addiction.
It is imperative you find serenity. Alanon and connecting with a sponsor is the best first step. It has helped me more than I can express. But it takes work. There is no quick fix to his recovery. And believe it or not you need recovery. When you find serenity, you will be blown away how it will impact him.


How did things work out for you @Lalardz?
We always recommend, in our course, that our safety and health comes first, otherwise we can’t give to anyone else. That being said, there are many skills that are proven to help families can use to influence positive change when facing a loved one’s addiction or recovery.

We’d love you to share these skills with you - they can really help turn things around when you feel you’ve tried everything it’s worth a try. So just in case you’re interested, we have our next Group Course beginning Wednesday March 17th, and running Wednesdays 6-7pm EST for 12 weeks. Love to have you with us, sign up HERE