Addiction - Rehab - Recovery - Relapse

relationship
recovery

#1

Hi all I am very new here, but am hoping to find some desperate support.

Here is my story, I have been with my partner for coming on 15 years I love him dearly and have two lovely children from him. We have always been very close and I met him clubbing and used to join in with substance with him when we met. The difference is when I got pregnant with my first child I immediately stopped, he promised me he would but then lying started, I usually caught him out, but it never stopped him, I threatened to leave him, he would stop for a while then it would creep back in. I then probably stupidly took the view that if I can’t stop him I would rather him be honest with me than hiding it, so kind of gave up. He still works, we are both successful it didn’t really seem to affect us too badly at home for some time as he would do it in the evenings but maybe when I was in bed and the children were in bed. On paper we look like a perfect couple, perfect house, perfect kids… but have been living a very big lie for a long time. Second child came and history repeated itself again, always with the promise he would stop soon.

Things started to change a year or so ago and all of a sudden when he was using he would go in to state of panics, I’d have to calm him down almost every night bringing him out of panic attacks almost daily. I found out he was using at work also, so literally using all the time.

In November he decided that he wanted to go to rehab. I WAS SO HAPPY TO HEAR THIS, I really had it in my head that everything was going to be ok after he did this, how wrong I was :pleading_face:.

After 3-4 days of him being in rehab he completely shut down from me, barely spoke to him or heard from him to see how the kids were getting on, the very brief calls I did get from him were so short, he wouldn’t return my “ I love yous” or anything positive to me, I mean he literally avoided it. After this long together after everything., I found this so strange.

I went to pick him up on his last day with the gut feeling that it was all about to end and he was about to basically dump me! When I got there I got out the car to help him with his bags and opened my arms to cuddle him … first thing he said when he saw me “ get in the car and drive”… I may be over exaggerating but that was really hurtful , I’d missed him so much.

After getting home, we had a brief conversations but nothing too serious as I wanted to keep it light. After a few days of him being back I managed to get a few things out of him, that he had been thinking of leaving me when he got back, so my gut instinct was right… he said it was because he was thinking of how he was going to be in situations that he had done it etc etc but now he has decided now that he does want to be with me!!! It also came to light that he had also lied to me about a girl in there also who he was obviously close with during his time in there… now i know they will form bonds with people in those places, why lie if there is nothing to lie about?

Sorry this is long as i want to understand what I should do in all this as I’m really struggling. I love him and have made so many allowances for him ( I know ending up hating myself for enabling the behaviour for such a long time ).

Anyway we talked it through and he has assured me that he wants to be here 100% and I decided I would try to move forward and put my feelings aside and try and get through this all.

Since getting through the above I’ve had nothing but snappy, entitled behaviour from my other half, he’s slept when he has been home, showed very brief interest in my feelings at all, it’s all been about how he is feeling, now I know this all part of the recovery but it’s so hard! I’ve still gone above and beyond trying to make him happy ( literally making excuses, and doing everything to make his life easier).

Christmas has been it is the day after Boxing Day, and I am sad to say we had a bit of a row yesterday, I ended up loosing my temper as I’d put up with so much, I feel like he could have at least pretended to be happy after literally not having to worry about anything ( I’ve taken it all on ) he has enjoyed moments and we have seen some good days between this all but then it goes bad again… but yesterday after the argument he relapsed! He told me he did which I’m glad about, said he was sorry… I’d gone out to my mums after the argument and came back after, I thought as he had of told me and that he was sorry he would have either done it all or got rid of it… when I returned home he wasn’t there, I called him to ask him where he was, he said he had gone out to try and sober up before we got back… anyway turns out after me probing he had actually gone out to get a second bit and lied to me about it, he was still doing it!

He then admitted to me last night that he also had thought about hanging himself whilst I was out :pleading_face:!

I’ve hugged him, I threw away the last bit he had as I found it, I’m hoping that was the right thing to do. He said today is a new day. 55 days clean yesterday and it all thrown away as easily as that :pleading_face: .

So sorry for the long essay but literally struggling myself to keep all of this and my life together!!

Please can someone shed some light on how I handle this whilst keeping myself together and sane! This is all making me feel worthless, responsible, and like I’m fighting a loosing battle.


#2

My husband is 6 weeks sober and has displayed all the same behavior as your partner. It is not your fault. I think their mind is in survival mode without the substances and it just makes them miserable. The addicted brain wants to find any way it can to get those substances. It takes time for their brain chemistry to readjust. They also probably need therapy to help them to get over their distorted thinking patterns. I try to think about how hard pregnancy and having a newborn is and compare it to that. We also had a couple big fights around Christmas because I have been fed up with doing everything. He also sleeps in until 10 or 11 am. It must be normal. My husband has not relapsed as far as I know. My pastor calls him daily to check in with him, and I think this accountability has been key to his success. 55 days has not been thrown away. Slips are part of recovery from what I hear. All or nothing thinking is not helpful. Tell him to get back up again and keep going. You can do this. Prayers being sent for you.


#3

Thanks hun x he has been good the last few days so I’m hoping that’s it for now anyway.

Thank you for your message. It helps to get other views from people that are going through similar things

Xxxx

Thinking of you x


#4

The ups and downs addiction can be so tough. I too was married to a functioning user for 11 years. I’m now in love with an advanced Alcoholic. I too joined in on the using in the past. I too joined in on the drinking. I too have been angry. I too have walked on egg shells. I too have felt neglected. I too have felt the affects of my S/O meeting another addict and developing a relationship with her. I too have had my husband not come home. You are not alone. But boy does it ever feel like it some days.

To me it sounds like your husband isn’t full into recovery. what do you feel? I always call this half-assing it. I can always tell a clear difference when my S/O is half- in or full in. When he’s full in, he goes to meetings every day, keeps me included in the process, keeps up with daily readings and meditations, keeps in contact with his sponsor, etc. Recovery is a huge undertaking and it does take a lot of focus. Sometimes even in recovery other things such as relationships take a back burner. What is he doing for his recovery? Is he attending meetings? Does he have a sponsor? A therapist? Most importantly, what are you doing for yourself? That has been the toughest part for me. I tend to put all of my focus on my addicted loved ones that when i finally have to concentrate on myself it can feel very lonely and depressing. Especially if they are relapsing or you see all the signs of relapse.

My current significant other is around 40 days sober right now. Him being sober is everything i always want, yet even when he’s in recovery I sometimes feel a sense of hopelessness and loneliness. Sometimes I still feel a disconnect. I’ve witnessed him relapse three times this year, so the thought of long term recovery can be daunting. right now i’m working on living in the now and being grateful for what i have today. when things are bad in the moment, I try to remind myself that all situations are temporary and things can always get better. what are you grateful for today? Where are you today? How is it going today?


#5

Hey hun thanks for your response I really appreciate it.

I’ll be honest he hasn’t been doing meetings he hasn’t found a sponsor either x he has just been throwing himself in to work and then when he gets home he is pretty useless with the kids and showing much affection or wont do anything other than sleep. I suppose you could say a bit of a dry drunk as they say?

I’m at a loss if I’m honest, I feel like our whole relationship at the moment is purely transactional if that makes sense? No matter how much I do for him I get nothing but short answers etc x I’ve been trying to give myself time to heal my own mind, but with him working all the time and sleeping whilst being on the edge it’s hard, I’m nit sure where you are but it has just been announced here that the uk is just about to go into a full lockdown again so fat chance of me having any time to worry about myself with the kids and working from hone. X

Just taking each day as it comes if I’m honest, but don’t feel like he wants to be here and that I am just his safety net with the house and basically looking after him? I feel like I overthink everything x

How are things for you this week ?

X