My husband and I married young, I was 17 and he was 20. I was pregnant and we thought it would be best to stay together. I didn’t realize he was an alcoholic until we were 2 years in and that’s when I realized he was also into cocaine. We’ve been married now for almost 8 years. We have 3 kids now, he has a great job and he has put me through nursing school, overall, I believe we could have a beautiful and successful life together but things haven’t changed and are worse. He’s gone to rehab once and was sober for 3 months.
Our youngest had medical problems at birth and he stayed in the hospital for a month and even then, having to leave our other 2 with family in another state, he would find the time and money to sneak out to the bars while I stayed with out little boy in the hospital.
After we got back home I realized this wasn’t what I wanted, I realized I was married to two men, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I love my husband when he is sober, He is my best friend., but I HATE the other one, he is mean and selfish. He’s in complete denial and it doesn’t seem like things will change.
I finally talked to a lawyer last year and I am terrified of how he will act when I do find the guts to do it. I’m scared he will spiral and loose his job, insurance along with it, I’m afraid he’ll hurt himself if he is drunk and high. I know I would be healthier if I left him, but I’m to scared to do it, I’m scared to be alone and I’m scared of the repercussions, especially toward my children. I just wanted to post to try to get someone else’s views . Thank you in advance.
8 years of marriage and thinking of leaving?
@Castroan So sorry to read of what you are going through. If your mind is made up, a good place to start is going back to the lawyer to get their take on what your rights are in the event of a divorce. Knowledge is power and the more you know about your rights regarding the situation will make you stronger and more confident.
These are big changes and it is scary to start the process. Take it one baby step at a time. The one thing I wanted to point out is please don’t be afraid to be alone. Being a single parent is tough - but if you know being married isn’t what you want and when you are on your own, I think you will see there are positive aspects of being alone, especially after being in a toxic relationship.
I hope this helps and you might want to reach out to a therapist to discuss what you are going through and discuss a game plan for you.
Try to have a good weekend. Hugs!
@Castroan Andrea, I can relate in so many ways about the second part of your message. The only difference my husband is sober, but unfortunately they behavior patterns are still the same . I think about leaving every time there is something major related to my health or the health of my child. I don’t have any support and family is a place to receive it. I am very sorry you are going through this and can see how you’re scared of leaving (his reactions) and staying alone with children. But when out of a toxic relationship that makes you so unhappy you will be so much better of and a different person. You will blossom again. It’s going to be challenging staying with three children, but you have been strong enough to handle this relationship for 8 year, I am sure there is inner power you are not even aware of. And making us feel like we are worthless nothing and powerless is the strategy of the abuser. It is only the way to trick us into believeibg we are really weak, but it is not so. Please do let me know what you decide to do and how it all ends up. You are going to make it and be happy and full of life again for your children and your children will be much happier seeing their mother content. God bless!
I often notice Stockholm syndrome in myself, and it horrifies me even more. If you do have the opportunity I would definitely go to a therapist to develop the strategy for myself and the children. All my support goes out to you.
Hi there @Castroan thanks for joining us here and sharing this tough subject.
My husband’s drug of choice was cocaine and he still uses alcohol a bit.
I’m fully supportive of your strength in preparing and planning and looking after your family. You know what you need to do.
It breaks my heart a little bit how you say you think you’re a good fit together but it’s just the damn drugs/alcohol. I hate that.
Sometimes when we’re with someone every day it’s hard for us to get heard. Is there any other person or people who we might be able to enroll in this mission of helping your husband get the help he needs to break free of the grasp of addiction? Think of it like ‘who has influence’ over him that we could leverage their voice to talk to him and cut through?
(If you are interested or open to trying that?)
I have to say, I don’t have kids yet with my husband and I do worry that things could get worse again but for us so far it really has been a positively trending healing journey.
Sending all the love and support. Please keep chatting with us here. This is an important conversation to have and I really applaud you for having it with us <3
Hi @Castroan, gosh I feel you and hear you. I’m literally in the same place as you and identify with every word you said. My husband is a alcoholic. Like you, every time we have a “incident” I question my ability to go on in this relationship. Every day is a choice to remain together. I’ve been too scared to make the difficult decision to leave. I think as partners, we try so hard to be supportive and be happy. We try to keep things going while they muck on through their addiction. I personally feel foolish on certain days, for trusting again. The cycle had been so ingrained. I realise now I’m in love with my husbands potential. My heart breaks at the thought of this. About 2 weeks ago, we had another minor incident - he drank and didnt come home - but it was the straw that broke the camels back. I realised how angry I was at him for making me look at my life and realise that all our dreams, ambitions and future was hanging in the balance. That the future we always talk about may not happen. That everything we worked for could be lost… because of his addiction and my codependency. I realised i had to make a change in the cycle or else nothing would ever change. I decided I couldnt be part of this crisis so I stepped out… which I would have felt so scared and guilty about in the past but this time it was for me and our baby. I cant be responsible for what he does - whether he will drink more and harm himself one way or another. I went to stay with my mum. I called his parents and told them I was leaving for a few days to work through stuff in my head. They flew up to stay with him which was great to give me some peace of mind. So for a week I went off and did some thinking. I think in my heart I feel I’m done with this realationship as it is. I dont think I can go through much else, cause when it does go wrong, I can’t stand being the mum I become, the way I am around our son - full of absolute sadness and grief. He now knows this.
While I was away, my husband sought help - he went to mental health services for his depression and he says he will go to AA and our community drug and alcohol service. Hes been 13 days sober. Hes started medication which actually seems to be helping a bit too. Hes starts every day with brushing his teeth, taking his medication and putting his clothes away… truly small but big things.
I’m reluctant to trust him again but I have to trust this process. If he goes to AA and continues on this path I’ve agreed to have couples counselling to work through things from the last 16 years of being together (we also got together when we were 17). I have to keep being honest to myself and question every decision I make as to whether I’m falling into old habits /behaviours. I cant be responsible for him but I can be for me.
In the week I was away, I contacted womans refuge and found out all my rights, and how to go about things it was to leave him. So now I have things in place so I know I have options. Its given me strength even though I decided to go home, to choose another day in this relationship but like I said, i have to trust the process. I can see my husband is battling and fighting for us and that’s enough for me right now… it’s been nice seeing him more engaged with us… but I know in a moment it can be all lost. Like you I love the sober version of my husband but I hate the other one.
In your heart you will know what to do. You deserve to be happy. Your children do too. Them seeing you in a unhappy marriage may have more repercussions then remaining together. You dont have to rush it, just slowly prepare yourself for what you need to do if and when the time comes to leave. Do it for you and your children. Not because you hope he might change. You are definitely strong enough so have courage what ever you choose to do.
Sending you a lot of love and strength.
Have you told him you are going to leave if things do not change? Maybe on one of the good days, sit down and tell him you need to talk. Validate all the good things he has done and continues to do, but let him know how you feel regarding the mood swings, one day it is nice, one day it is not. That you do LOVE HIM, he is your best friend, honesty and communication are best. Try to stay calm about it, and genuinely help him to understand how this is affecting you and the kids. Don’t be afraid to talk to him, he is your husband, and he is your best friend when these things aren’t happening. Also, maybe figure out if there are certain people he sees that he is more likely to do these things with. If after this, he doesn’t genuinely try to do better for his wife or his family (which may take some time, there may be a cool down period after the talk if there is a tendency to argue, just continue to be calm and repeat your points about how this affects you all as a family, and also what he is doing to himself), then I would say even filing for a divorce may turn things around, if you still love him and care for him, there’s no reason to continue the divorce if he decides to do better.
Also, even if you follow through with the divorce, it doesn’t mean you cannot help him get through this considering he is the father of your kids and best friend. That love just doesn’t go away, keep in mind drugs and alcohol have an effect on his actions and way of thinking. If you suspect he is high, or being mean, wait till he is sober, or ask why he feels the need to do these things, the problem may stem back to some kind of stress he felt at one point and got addicted ya know?
I would also say, schedule days to spend time together just you two and family days at the park, or things to just get out of the house together and de-stress, a change of scenery.
Remember to validate him for all the good he has done, and try talking about it slowly, then go through with it if you feel it is what is best for a majority of the family at the end of the day you have to do what is best for yourself and your children. Try not to get caught up in the anger and upset, cause people say things they don’t mean when they are upset.
My sister was into drugs, and we didn’t mention anything, I would ask her if she was high, and she would deny it, she would miss family outings, be cruel to the family, especially the ones she was closest to. Finally, on her own time she came out with it cause she needed help. (Also we did start cutting her off from money.) She continued to get high but less and less, and became more and more honest. Now she’s back to being my best friend, and has has a baby since, and has been an amazing mom. I know people have different scenarios, and I may be being too positive, but I know how far gone my sister was, and if we had given up on her I couldn’t imagine what would’ve happened. I don’t think it’s ever too late to fix things, and start fresh. I hope this gives a little hope, I wish you all the best. I also understand how divorce could be the best option, I just wasn’t sure if there had been many conversations about it in a gentle but stern way and thought maybe that would help.
@Castroan I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. I can relate to much of what you are saying. I was in an abusive and alcohol addicted marriage for 8 years. I was married at 17 and he was 20. We had two boys during that time frame. Without going in depth about my personal story I’d first like to ask you if you’ve been to any support groups such as Alanon. If not I encourage you to seek some form of therapy that is well versed in addiction/substance abuse. I don’t know how old your kids are but Alateen is a good one for children/teens. Whether we realize it or not the co-dependent behaviors they’re being raised with has affected them and has a direct impact on their own personalities and what type of relationships they will have as well as their own identity/self esteem. I don’t say this to scare you or make you feel bad or guilty, just to state it as fact. Second, one of the experts I adore on the subject of addiction is Gabor Mate. He has many YouTube videos and he’s great at helping one to understand the nature of addiction. Not just substance abuse but also people pleasing, co-dependency, shopping, etc. Check him out and see if anything resonates. For me, Alanon was a game changer. It opened my eyes a lot and gave me what I needed at the time. My ex husband is a very loving and loyal person when not drinking and we might have made it if it wasn’t for the violent behavior. I was literally scared for my life. One more question for you. Why do you feel you need to leave? What about having him leave so you don’t have to go through uprooting the kids?
Love adding new resources to our arsenal @p_dewey. Thanks for the Gabor Mate recommendation! Do you have a favorite video of his that might be a good place to start?
I think I'm done with my addict husband
@ Katie I don’t have a favorite. I love all of his work that I’ve seen thus far. I just searched Youtube and went down the list or read the descriptions and chose whatever resonated at the moment. I’ve got his book “In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts” but I haven’t started it yet.
Hi @Castroan. I understand and feel your pain. We have a difficult job because we love them so. Been with my husband 8 yrs. He started recovery 4 yrs ago +. He often relapses and each time, even though I’m in my own recovery of Alanon, it takes a little more out of me and I gain a little more information about the option of leaving him. No kids together here though so it is doable yet still I fall back into my norm of knowing I’m strong enough to still stay. He is a recovering addict (heroin his choice), but still takes pain meds for physical back issues among other areas. It’s not really being clean. It is a catch 22. When he takes these meds which I don’t kno if abusing or accordingly, he is always in an altered DrJeckyll and MrHyde state becoming VERY verbally abusive then it dies down or turns into a full fledge relapse. But we are still fighting the good fight bc it is the drugs and NOT him. The ONLY advice is to try to instill boundaries and keep taking care of yourself. Good luck, love
Love this insight @KimA - thank you for sharing! Only if you feel comfortable sharing, would love to know what are some boundaries in place that work for you?
Boundaries that sometimes work are asking him to not tell me when he gets meds filled so I don’t get triggered therefore triggering him and to not take them when with me whenever this is feasible.